Get me out of this horrid place.
Controlla il mio weekend.
Yo world. Waddup.
I haven’t posted in a long time. At least any legit posts. Perchance now is the time…
As per usual, this is going to end up being numbered… mostly my brain functions in list form. (Fun side note: the first time I typed that sentence it came out as “lust form.” Freudian slip…?)
1. The Poverty Diet a.k.a. I have $20 across all of my bank accounts and wallets to last from this moment until December 16th. At the moment I am living off of two meals a day, both of which are approximately 1/2 to 2/3 the size of a legitimate meal. I am either going to pass out of malnutrition or lose a shitton of weight. Or both. We’ll see.
2. Random Italiano decided to comment on one of my blog posts…?
So nobody but me saw this, because I rejected the comment… but some RANDOM ass Italian man, straight outta Italia, decided to comment on that one post I wrote in Italian that was called “Tutto è più bello in italiano.” Something to the effect of, in Italian, “You used google translator for this whole thing, right? *winkingsmileyface*” Upon his not answering my return comment asking him WHY he would think that, I just deleted it. I’m assuming it wasn’t 100% grammatically correct. Or just a tad awkward. But frankly I don’t really give a shit. (Non me ne frega niente, if you’re still reading, creeptastic italiano). I wrote it at like 1AM. While exhausted. Fuck off.
3. I still hate my roommates. I just do. It’s a problem. I haven’t talked to Claire about switching rooms yet, because she has conveniently been busy with “work” or constantly with people. SPEAKING OF WHICH. I kind of thought it was just like… an inherent rule, in every culture, in every system of politeness and not-being-a-douche, that if you were going to invite someone over (in particular in the evenings or, you know, at like midnight) to hang out with you in a room that shares a wall (or more), you would check with people. Like… I don’t wanna hear your entire night. I had shit to do. There wasn’t even a warning… Aurélie knew hours before me… Claire never even told me, Aurélie happened to mention it when the doorbell rang. NOT OKAY. It’s the week before finals, the week all of my assignments are due, and I think this kid is the creepiest person on the planet. You couldn’t at least ASK? Or at least TELL me if you weren’t gonna ask? Like you really just weren’t gonna mention it ever?! What the fuck. Bitch.
Okay, this blog has just become like… non-stop rants about my life. Issue.
4. Now is not the time to stop ranting. Smoking rant! I think my not-smoking-anymore has led to me being a social outcast in my own apartment. As in… Claire and Aurélie spend large amounts of time going outside smoking and having deep conversations about life (and who is coming over when…) that I am no involved in. This would be cool, especially as I don’t even really care about what they’re complaining about 98% of the time, but I’m a really, really, REALLY paranoid person so I assume that when I’m not included, it’s because people hate me/are talking ABOUT me/don’t think I deserve to be included/whatever. Oh well. Paranoia. Which leads me to…
5. Did I ever mention that time I went to a psychaitrist liske a month ago? And she told me I had incredibly severe OCD, and possibly bipolar? But MOSTLY crippling OCD? For which the cure is anti-depressants… which she refused to give me? Because she thought I’d kill myself?
Good times.
Good thing the masssssssssive insomnia that exists largely due to the OCD hasn’t gone away. And now I have to wait until like… January to even begin fixing the problem.
Fuck you, amateur psychaitrist. Fuck you.
6. In my brain this had a transition: SNOW. It snowed here two days in a row. I walked to school two days in a row while it was snowing. =D It’s going to be warmer tomorrow, though. Oh well. It’ll be back… it feels like winter in Canada now.
7. I don’t really know what else to write about. 15/16 days until I come home. WAIT REMEMBERED A TOPIC. I don’t wanna go home. I was told that I am currently the most hated person in my family. Like… two people, seperately from each other, told me that I am currently hated by my brother and my dad. Nobody knows why, but yeah… apparently I’m an evil human being? It really bothers me, actually. Like… I simultaneously have givenup ever trying to please my family and it really hurts that they all hate me for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I think particularly because there isn’t a reason for it. Like… if I had DONE something atrocious, yeah, I could see it, but I really haven’t. At least nothing atrocious that any of them know about. I don’t understand. So this may be a vacation spent LARGELY not at home.
8. My mental instability… it’s ridiculous. I don’t know if it’s the insomnia, or just the general non-stop level of mental issues, or the fact that I actually can’t stand living in this apartment and every second being here makes me angry as fuck or stressed out of my mind. Or the fact that I feel like I did not do as well as I should have this term and am terrified for next year/my future. I have no idea. Things are not calm in my head lately.
I think I’m going to stop now before this continues on in a massive rant/depressed emo shitshow. Maaaaybe I’ll post soon? After this week…
It’s looking at/reading in italiano, but all it can hear is françaisfrançaisfrançais.
È un problema.
So a couple of days ago I turned off the heat in the living room.
No one has studied outsde of my door since.
Patricia: 1
France: 0
I can’t think right now. Except in small sentences.
I want to update on my life, but I don’t have the mental effort/stability necessary.
Listing/number time!
19 days until I come home.
11 classes left.
4 days of classes left.
2 essays to write, neither of which is in English.
1 5-page take home final.
1 20-minute oral presentation, in Italian.
1 in-class final essay.
2 real finals.
2 roommates I wanna kill.
26 days until Christmas.
19 days left to convince Claire to switch rooms with me.
~100 hours of sleep-deprivation.
$10 in my bank account.
1 bad dream, the only night I actually slept.
20 hours a day of self-imposed imprisonment in my room.
= 1 Patricia that can’t wait for winter break.
I am so tired. There are no words. There is no effort to create words in blog-post-form.
Someday…
So this blog has essentially become I place I go to type all the rants I feel bad yelling at people. It is now going to be used as a combination rant/rational figuring-out-my-problems device. In the form of an epic Pros and Cons list (but mostly Pros).
This week’s rant topic, Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Essentially, my lease on this apartment ends in June. I WANT THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW. So to pass the time until then, and to see if I REALLY need to be drastic and move, I have decided to figure it out the way I do all my major life decisions: with a list. No one else has to read it, but I wanted to write it somewhere. Of course, you are more than welcome to read AND contribute. All comments and opinions will be taken into consideration.
PROS OF MOVING OUT
- Not having roommates. Pretty self-explanatory… they talk to me NONSTOP when I have work to do, each my food, make a TOTAL DISGUSTING mess, don’t clean up after themselves, chain smoke so the kitchen smells bad, and leaves bags of pot lying around.
- Not having to deal with roomates inviting people over. Getting full-choice over who comes over and when. So no more Claire’s brother coming over with me having no input, or Laure coming over and yelling and trying to be my best friend, and no random men who end up sitting outside my door getting high with Claire at 4AM when I’m trying to sleep.
- Regaining the ability to do work and/or sleep. Sort of tied in to number 1 and 2. My door is made of glass. Glass that looks out onto the living room. Despite having two curtains, light still gets in (it also gets in from Claire’s room, so even when she goes to her room she’s a burden). This means I essentially have to wait for everyone else to go to sleep for me to go to sleep. Which is a problem, because Claire has class at 1PM. Also, glass doors don’t block noise. When there are people in the living room or kitchen, I hear EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS. Most of that happening occurs in French. I will never, EVER be able to describe in words how much it fucks up my brain to be trying to read/write/function in Italian or German when all I can hear is French. Seriously. I can’t even begin to explain how much it physically hurts. Also, I can’t get work done ever, because there’s always someone doing something. Always. Outside my door.
- Having windows. I didn’t think this would be a big deal for me, at all. I figured I wouldn’t spend that much time in my room. I don’t know WHY I thought that, but I did. But yeah… having no windows can get opressive. ESPECIALLY when your roommates are from Southern France and think the heat needs ot be up to 30 degrees all year long because they’re freezing. So I can’t just open my window and deal, I essentially just have to put up with their heat demands. Also, waking up is hard to do when it is as dark in your room at 9AM as it was at 3AM. Lack of light + insomnia = holyshitfuck I slept through German AGAIN?!
- No more forced socializing. I think this is largely a problem related to complete lack of mental and emotional stability on a day to day basis. I hate people 98% of the time. At least MOST people. At least THESE people. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t want to have a conversation with Aurélie, who has been awake for hours and is happy and cheerful. I wanna brush my teeth and down some coffee. Or, better yet, go the fuck back to sleep. Talking to you is not an option. Same goes for coming home after being out since 8AM doing work and other assorted tiring things. I don’t immediately want to recount to you every detail fo my day. Nor do I want to hear yours. I need like… at LEAST an hour to NOT be near people thinking. Also, leaving my door open is not an invitation for you to come in and complain about all your bullshit high school boy drama, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CAN SEE ME TYPING A PAPER. Fuck off.
- No more drugs. Obvious. I’m tired of watching them do drugs, listening to them do drugs, listening to stories about them doing drugs, listening to their drama about the shit that happened when they did drugs, and having them try to convince me to do their drugs. Yeah, you lost your job, because you snorted a line of ecstasy at 4AM when you had work at 9. Fuck you. Go find someone else to cry on. Or just do more ecstasy, you have nothing to lose at this point.
- No more drama. Related. All of Claire’s friends have drama, all the time. Because they are always on coke/ecstasy/more coke/ketamine/mdma/acid. And more coke. Possibly some whiskey. Point is, I’m tired of hearing about it. I don’t really like any of her friends. Proooobably because of the coke. And the fact they’re all obnoxious and just… bad people. Even ASIDE from the drugs, most of them are just really bad people. I don’t wanna hear about it. I’m also tired of having Laure come over allday everyday complaining about boys. And having Remì come over 5 days a week to roll joints, get high, and talk about his girl/boy problems.
- No one touching my shit. I’m awkwardly possessive. I don’t know why. I’m not even really materialistic. I think it’s more an OCD thing. Like… I don’t care that you touched that/used it, but you put it back in entirely the wrong spot. Douche. The only exception to this is Remì using my shit to roll joints. THAT ISN’T OKAY. Stop it. You’re a whore. I hope you fail out of law school.
- Not having to listen to Aurélie’s self-hatred and post-anorexia. I WILL STAB YOU SOMEDAY. And you will have nothing to protect you. BECAUSE YOU WEIGH 80 POUNDS. Please stop telling me that you are “so full” from your half-a-bowl of soup. No one believes you. Especially since we’ve seen you eat half a cake after a large meal. We’re not judging you. We promise. You weigh 80 pounds. Go ahead and finish the soup can, we won’t tell, promise. On the flip side, don’t judge everyone else. (This rule goes to Ted & Aurélie.) Yes, we keep butter in the house. If that’s a problem, don’t use it. Or, better yet, find somewhere else to eat. Don’t criticize us for our eating habits, and we won’t call you out on the anorexia thing. I literally hate eating in this apartment if Aurélie is anywhere here, at all.
- Not having people hover over me when I cook. I thought of this because of the cooking/food thing. I like to cook. I hate to cook if people are standing over my shoulder literally touching me, staring at what I’m doing and asking a million questions. Or trying to give advice. You JUST asked what it was, why would I now listen to how YOU think I should make it?
- Understanding the language of the apartment. Oh French. I used to think you were pretty. Now I wanna punch you in your arrogant obnoxious face. Rant done.
- PEOPLE NOT DRINKING MY COFFEE. Especially, PEOPLE NOT DRINKING MY GOOD GERMAN ESPRESSO BY PUTTING IT IN A FRENCH PRESS, MAKING IT LIKE NORMAL COFFEE, AND ADDING SUGAR AND CREAM TO IT. Yeah, Claire. I’m never getting over that.
- Being able to have friends over. That’s a bit misleading. This doesn’t mean Aurélie and Claire won’t LET me have friends over, it more means no one I know and would invite on a regular basis (i.e. Ted) WANT to come over, because they have to deal with Claire, most likely her brother, and definitely Laure. NO ONE WANTS TO DEAL WITH THAT.
- Not being stereotyped CONSTANTLY because I’m American. Literally once a day someone makes an America comment. Not even always in a hurtful way. Just like… fuck you. My family isn’t even all that white-bread-American. We’re Italian. No I can’t tell you what’s on a McDonald’s menu. Or explain to you how to make apple pie and turkey just because I grew up in America. We aren’t all ignorant or rednecks. I have no idea why we elected George Bush, but I’m tired of justifying our lives to you. You’re from France. You’re no better than anyone else. No one in Europe likes you. Think about it.
- Better Internet/Rent Price? Our internet sucks. I could do better. Also, getting a better price for rent, or at the very least having HydroQuebec included and not having to deal with their bullshit. That would be awesome.
- Not having to clean up after people. I never understood why my dad would get SO PISSED at people leaving shit around the house all the time. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how the fuck he didn’t just stab everyone. That’s my solution…
- Being able to decorate/arrange/keep everything just as I want. That means walls like I want them, furniture where I want, not having dirty dishes everywhere, not having to hide the drugs for civil people, and not having to deal with constantly moving your shit off the coffee table. You have rooms for a reason.
- Not having to deal with money issues. They owed me $1000 collectively in August. I FINALLY got it all back last week. It REALLY fucked up my bank account/life. This wouldn’t have to happen. And I wouldn’t have to chase them down for hydro bill money anymore. Or rent. Or deal with them complaining about their poverty/jokingly (I don’t think it’s funny) insulting my poverty when THEY are the ones who caused it.
CONS OF MOVING OUT
- Higher Rent. Most likely, I’ll have to pay a bit more. But if it means I don’t maul everyone…?
- Location? I might have to leave the plateau… which I love. Oh hipsterland. I don’t ever wanna leave you. Although, on a POSITIVE note, I could end up closer to school (instead of a 40 minute walk), which would save me $40 a month on a Metro pass.
- I was told I’d get “bored” or “lonely.” But I don’t really believe this. I like being alone. This could work. Or I would just invite Ted over allday everyday.
- Making Claire and Aurélie hate me. Although maybe they’ll understand. They seem to think we’re all one big happy family though. I don’t think they realize I wanna stab them. I’m not sure HOW…
Soooo… that’s even. That started as a list and ended as a series of rants. Whatever. Had to be done. I feel like it leans heavily in one direction… hmmmm. I want March/April to get the fuck here right now. Sooo… that was a good use of a shitton of time. I’m gonna go be “productive” now. Or cook dinner and be judged by Aurélie for eating solid food.
<3
I could live off of them.
And I might have to start doing as such. They’re $0.99 per can!
Last night I took sleeping pills before going to bed, with the hopes that I would FINALLY sleep after a week of not being able to.
I still couldn’t.
Fuckmylife.
